"When Going Through Hell, Just Keep Going" - A Reflection of Fall 2015

Hello All -

Merry everything and happy always!

Time for my tri-annual recap of school and life over the past four ish months.

In a nutshell, this semester was a doozy (hence the title of this post). Although, while the daily grind has been basically miserable, a lot of good happened this semester. 

Also, since the semester ended, I have hiked the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. So, that removed a lot of the bitterness I had towards school and work (not all, but most). I anticipate being back to my sarcastic, cynical self shortly...

Anyways... 

Here we go ...

- The number one and most important thing I did this semester was survive it. It was brutal. Mostly due to a shift in my own perception of a lot of things; Suddenly my normal routine was no where near satisfactory. In fact, I find it quite awful. So this was challenging - which is code for I learned a lot of stuff about myself (good, bad, and ugly). All that being said, I didn't cry under my desk once this semester #smallvictories

- I taught yoga/pilates (or yogalates) which basically became a yoga class because *secret* I don't like pilates. The class reminded me how much I LOVE teaching yoga. Like LOVE teaching yoga. And, if I may flaunt my ego a bit, I think I'm pretty damn good at it. Oh, and there were 60 of them...60 students. Luckily, most had horrible attendance which made for a smaller class size.

- I taught modern dance ... I'm pretty sure my students slightly hated me for the first third of the semester...maybe the first two thirds because I was all about floor work and they didn't like getting all bruised and stuff (if they listened to me and did floor work right, there wouldn't have been bruises...) By the end, it was a fantastic class. This was probably the most rewarding challenge of the semester.

- I started a rooftop dance series! Because, why not?! It was semi-successful - I think we had more performers total than audience members, but, whatever, it was super fun and exciting to do a series of dance performances on different rooftops at sunset. I choreographed the first in the series and had others take over the other two slots. Great fun. Super random. And I think I've been on almost every rooftop in downtown Tempe.

- Speaking of downtown Tempe, I performed in the middle of it on a 4'x4' stage during one of the largest arts festivals in the country. Because (again), why not?! It was ok. I was barefoot on Mill Ave. which I'm pretty sure is something one is only supposed to do when they are terrible drunk which I was not...it was a nice little warm-up performance for the future performance which will be at the end of January (ya know, in addition to my thesis).

- I choreographed a former advisee's capstone performance. It was dark and creepy which made it wicked awesome to choreograph! I haven't had an excuse to make something dark and creepy in a long time. It's was a lovely counter to my other work.

- I choreographed Orange Theatre's H E R A K L E S which I performed in last spring. It was a weird out of body experience to watch the show with someone else playing 'Molly' ... and it was the first time in possibly ever - or at least since high school - that I watched a show and wished I was performing in it.

- I have been working on It's Not That Simple (2016) since the end of last semester. We've been in rehearsals for seemingly ever. It's been the weirdest process for me. I thought I would hit a groove with it quickly, but I haven't. It's like I walked in expecting to be in my comfort zone and accidentally walked into someone else's comfort zone, if that makes any sense at all. It's probably my thesis committee's comfort zone and I don't like their comfort zone. So, again, to keep with the theme of the semester, it's been challenging.

- I raised nearly $5000 for It's Not That Simple (INTS) so I can pay the performers and have the barriers associated with productions cost reduced. This was may more work than I anticipated, but I'm so proud to have almost achieved my goal. It was a big-ass goal. I feel that I reached for the stars and ended up on the moon, so it's perfect. Plus, the new and old connections that came from it were just serendipitous.

- Speaking of INTS, I also got kicked out of my performance space the week before I was supposed to move into it to start tech. I don't have a place to perform my thesis *insert gigantic fake smile* That's a problem to solve this week...and it shouldn't be mine to solve, but let's not open that can of worms...
Note: this is just a sample of the hell of the semester, there is no need to recap all the hellish things, so I chose to highlight this one small example of bullshit *insert another gigantic fake smile*

- I started a company! It was the Black Box Dance Theatre Collective, then yata yata yata, name change to the Grey Box Collective. GBC! I received some seed-funding from the school to assist with the initial costs of starting a company, and I'm doing it! Someday, this will be my full time job, and it will be amazing. Website coming soon!

- I took some classes. They were ok. My new motto is 'C's get degrees!' My counselor taught me that one :-) For one of the classes, I definitely deserved to fail (do NOT tell my students this). I didn't participate in online discussions, I didn't do the majority of the reading, and I missed almost every deadline. I wrote the mid-term and final papers, and by some miracle, received A's on both. And the C I earned overall, magically became an A on my transcript ... I attribute this unearned success to a culture of mediocrity and faculty who have no time or energy to grade properly. Disclaimer: I'm not complaining. Just, sharing how flabbergasted I am at the whole situation.

- I presented twice at the national dance educators conference. I presented a workshop by myself which had great success! It was so much fun! I hope to be able to continue to do work such as that. I also presented with my grad pack on how to survive grad school. It was enjoyable, but didn't feel like as much of an achievement. I want to write a book called 'Hacking Grad School' ... it would be filled mostly with recipes and some tips and tricks on how to earn A's when you deserve D's :-)

- I went home for Thanksgiving for the first time since I moved to AZ. I wasn't home for Xmas for the first time ever. And this new tradition felt really ok for me. Peru helped it feel super ok. But speaking of home and the east coast, I feel like the east coast version of me is back, and I love it! I've reclaimed my take no shit, fuckitall attitude that results in an insanely productive lifestyle. I've missed it.

Well, I think that's it. I'm always disappointed at the end of these posts. I always have a "that's it?!" feeling ... but I guess it's a lot. Especially when I remove all the negative shit of the semester from the post. The good stuff that is left is really quite pivotal in where I am thinking/hoping/guessing/wishing I go next.

OK. Until next time y'all! Oh! That's a new thing to add this semester: My use of 'y'all' has reached an all time high and combined with my Maine-risms....oye... I find myself saying things like, "wicked, y'all" all. the. time.

And now I'm really done.

Thanks for reading!

- M

Summer 2015: Thnks fr th Mmrs

Hi there!

So, in my predictable fashion, the next semester begins in less than 12 hours, and I have my regular desire to flush out the past few months.

Summer 2015 is one for the record books...it's been transformational... for better or for worse, I have yet to determine (I think it's for better). And also in all aspects of mind, body, spirit. Here's a slightly inarticulate recap of what made it so transformational ...

• I went to Maine for a week - it was a perfect week! Lots of time for me! Lots of time sitting on the dock reading and listening to the wind and the water *happy sigh* 
• It also included my ten year high school reunion...yup. It was an odd sensation of shrinking back to who I was in high school - undoing a decade of personal development - all in a simple step through a doorway. For the 20th, I shall plan to pre-game...heavily.
• Post this Maine venture, I resolved to retire to Maine. My retirement project will be changing the the dance field and culture in Maine. Hopefully they've caught up to the rest of the world slightly in the next 40 ish year, but if not, don't worry, I'm coming.
• I traveled to North Carolina directly from Maine. The south is an interesting place. Eating healthy was difficult. I'm not much for southern cuisine.
• I attended a somatics workshop with a second generation somatic practitioner. She's lovely and inspirational. I had an epiphany in one of my final hours there. I was at a coffee shop reading 'A New Earth' and an idea floated through my head that went something like this, "I should get my Ph. D. in Somatic Psychology ... fuck." The background music for this thought was that song "here I go again on my own / going down the only road I've ever known / like a drifter I was born to walk alone" came on and I started crying....in a coffee shop....to a Whitesnake song ... I left abruptly and called Mum, because I don't think there's any graceful way out of that situation. Anyways, I've pocketed that PhD thought because I should probably focus on the degree I'm currently finishing. OH! But one more thing about that...I can earn that degree in Santa Barbara, London, or somewhere in South Africa. I'm thinking London is the winner.
• Following this epiphany, I took an Uber from one airport to another airport in order to catch the flight to Phoenix that I would have missed if I followed my original itinerary. Oye. 
• My next trip was to Oakland, CA where I was certain I would have massive 'ah-ha' moments about my thesis because it was an interdisciplinary arts and social change workshop. I thought I found my tribe of like-minded people. I was oh-so-wrong. It, well .... the workshop in Oakland will take me a while to unpack. I fully believe in stepping out of one's comfort zone, however, this was far beyond outside my comfort zone into the panic zone for nearly two-weeks. It was memorable. Possibly for the wrong reasons. I felt like I was consciously being brainwashed. But I survived with some really ridiculous stories to share. I think as I get into my fall semester of rehearsals, I will have a better understanding of the experience. 
• My major life epiphany from those two weeks in Oakland is that I need to quit my job no matter what once I graduate. There's a hella lot more to life than data entry. So, I'm going to be like Rachel in Friends, and quit next summer, and get 'the fear' ...the fear of not paying bills, making rent, eating, etc. etc.
• Seattle followed Oakland which was just beyond perfect. I'm so in love with Seattle! I was going to attend a dance festival there (maybe next year instead), I didn't due to the recovery from Oakland that was needed. Instead, I attended a my friend's friend's birthday party where we got locked in a room and had to solve puzzles to get out. It was awesome and unsettling all at once. 
• My Seattle epiphany was that I don't want to spend my money on a car, I want to spend it on travel. So, I booked an adventure in Peru to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu over winter break. 
• The first week back to the valley after Oakland was a shock - nothing like 400+ emails in your inbox and 115 degree temperatures for a healthy reality check.  I then jumped into a week long intensive devising theatre workshop. It was a wonderful week, very full, and draining, but the perfect note to end on. I finally feel ready to step into my applied project rehearsals. Also, I was finally recognized as a performer and artist, which does not always or ever happen around here. It's nice to be perceived by others as you perceive yourself.

Other random things...I submitted the paperwork to official start my dance theatre company;  all that work I put into my social  experiment (i.e. online dating) finally payed off ... for about two months, and then ended ... via text ... so, back to the experiment with no worries 'cause there are plenty waiting in the wings; I saved money for a car (weird, right?) then spent it on traveling; I actually started a rooftop dance series and I still feel like I'm in recovery mode or reverse culture shock from this summer. I'm a bit worried about how I will survive this year, but I know there are amazing things coming.

Thanks for a life changing summer, 2015!

And thank YOU for reading!

- M

How I Became a Functioning Hot Mess: A Reflection on Spring 2015

Hi!

Time for my regular cathartic post about the last 5-ish months known as the Spring 2015Semester (and I'll go into post-Spring 2015 semester because it did end a while ago and some good things have happened since then).

So. Gosh, I don't know where to start...in a nutshell, I have never wanted to quit something (work and school) so much in my life ever, yet, as I add up all the good things that happened, I have a hard time justifying those feelings. Sigh...

Here's a recap (in no particular order):

• I danced with a robot.
• I danced on a roof.
• I dance on the universe (well, a painting of one) and my movement controlled a poem recorded in it at the same time as a musician on the electric bassoon shaped the sound scape I moved to. I still have a hard time explaining this to people (clearly).
• I danced in a piece I created about a box because my dancers told me to ... I also made a lovely connection with the musicians who composed the music and had a filmmaker create a projection to push the depth of the dance.
• I took a dance class that transformed my movement. I am now obsessed with floorwork to the point where I don't know how to dance standing up. This will likely pose a problem in the future.
• I taught the creative practices class for the last time for the foreseeable future :-( They were a good group. They scared me at first (don't tell them that), but I realized it was like teaching a room full of mini me's.
• Work was hell. I had regular visions of handing in my two-week notice while accepting my diploma next year ... I also debated quitting my job and taking out student loans...but a regular pay check wins over more student debt...so, see next bullet point....
• I'm trying to do this positive perscpective shift thing...some days it works, some days not so much. But I think it will be the only way I survive the next academic year.
• I keep a gratitude journal. I write down three things I'm grateful for each day. If I forget to do this more than twice in a week I become very, very cranky.
• I also took a class on contact improv - it was amazing! Just warm fuzzy feelings all around with that one!
• My applied project was approved and my research surrounding it was approved! (*see further update in post spring semester section below).
• I went a wee bit rouge as a student (maybe as a person...?)... I think I may have upset some people with this, but, I feel like a new human. Whatever barrier was holding me back is gone.
• I've been working on this social experiment that most people call online dating. It's fascinating. I've learned much more about me and society than I thought I would. It's also a LOT of work for a dinner or drink...so, I've called off all future social experiments and sworn to dating the old school way (bumping into strangers in places I frequent) or not dating at all.
• I taught two-days of workshops at the University of Utah. It was quite fun to work with a new population. It was mostly musical theatre students (60+ of them!). Makes me want to travel and offer workshops all the time. Being a guest artist is the bomb.
• I received crazy good positive feedback from my students this semester. I think they've helped me figure out my teaching philosophy. And, per usual, they made my semester.

.... I think that is it for Spring 2015, but I feel like I'm missing something ....

Anyways, since the spring semester ended ....

• I started my applied project for my thesis!!!! This is what I've been waiting for! THIS is WHY I went back to grad school. I have an incredible group of performers - and they're really good people, not just talented performers. There are 12 of them, I planned for 6 originally...oops. We created 40 minutes of material in about 6 hours of rehearsal, showed it to my committee, and they were floored that THAT was what happened in one rehearsal. *mic drop*
• I performed with Orange Theatre Group in their first production in their new performance space. I danced mostly, and screamed a lot. I felt like my character was a mix of me as a teenager and my cat.
• I collaborated with a former advisee on a dance film. I'm excited to see it (it's currently in post-production).
•  I decided to start my company...Black Box Dance Theatre...that's about all I have so far, but it's a good start :-)
• I also sorta started a rooftop dance series (I'm saying 'sorta' because I'm in slight denial about it, but it's totally happening starting this September on top of the Marriott hotel in Tempe! Ah!)
• I go for sunrise runs and sunset walks and I have never felt more grounded. There's something about it that makes me feel like I might be back to normal again ... or as close to normal as I can get.
• I have weekends free to do whatever I want - it's incredible! I have totally forgotten what it's like to have no where to go and nothing to do. (I anticipate missing this feeling terrible come fall...)

The combination of the above 22 bullet points have resulted in self-identifying as a functioning hot mess...there's enough good stuff in there to energize me through the stuff that brings me down (thank goodness!)
 
All that being said, summer is about to pick up. My travels will take me to Maine (of course), North Carolina, California, and Washington (state). Three of those travels include dance trainings, workshops, and festivals. I also will be teaching an online dance class during all of it. And when the traveling ends, an intensive training in theatre begins here. And immediately following that, I start the final year of my MFA (hallelujah!). This year will include a lot of big things. But I think I've finally recovered from the previous school year, so here's hoping the final one is the best one! (And it's like the final, final one. For real this time. I'm kind of over this whole being a student thing).

Thanks for reading!

- M

A reflection on Fall 2014 (i.e. a necessary cleanse of last semester before the next one starts in less than 12 hours ...)

Hey stranger ...

So...

Well, this is more awkward than I remember....

It's been a while, and it's been one helluva ride since the last post ...

Fall 2014 will officially go down in history as a clusterhug of a semester, the hardest one I've experienced as a student and professional, and ya know what, good riddance to it, although I feel it is hanging on. I'm hoping this post will be my ritualistic way to rid myself of it's nastiness. So, here we go...

In fall 2014 ...
... I presented 'Finger Painting [for grown-ups] with Binary Theatre Company with the perfect cast that were my highlight of every day
...I then presented it at the Ice House in Downtown Phoenix and made connections with the School of Art and School of Music (I love non dance connections)
... I got overwhelmed regularly, it actually became my new normal
.... I taught a class with some amazing and challenging students who I am very proud of despite all the ish that came up
... My office became known as 'the place to go cry' both for myself and others
...I presented at a national conference for dance, twice with positive feedback on both
... My biggest fear with the graduate program came true (not feeling like I was in the right field after thinking this was all I wanted) - and another fear I didn't even anticipate (the great debate of not finishing the degree I had so wanted all these year and going back to pursuing a career in dance without an MFA)
... I presented a dance piece in the grad show about Myers-Briggs which I have been thinking about since I was a junior in high school...it was ok, I worked with 16 dancers, and that was awesome.
... I completely changed my career goals (time to open my company, I need a break from higher ed before I become one of those jaded people in the field)
... Some of my job responsibilities were taken away and much larger ones were handed to me
... I have reassessed how I live life and what I value because I had seen too many people close to me deal with life changing mental and physical diseases to waste my time living my life anyway other than how I wish
... I checked out of my classes as in actively disengaged from them, yet pulled off a 3.89 (which worries me a bit)
... I grew from the whole experience and have developed further into the integrity phase (dorky higher ed moment)  i.e. becoming a real grown-up
... I decided to do everything I can to not repeat this overall experience

 So since the fall semester ended, I've tried to unwind how tightly wrapped up I got. I have go to the dance studio every week day since returning to AZ from ME, I've gone back to counseling, I'm practicing regular (almost daily) self-care, I'm keeping a gratitude journal, I'm taking bubble baths, getting massages, going on dates (I have a thing called a 'social life' now, or as I prefer to call it 'my social experiment' because talking to people outside of my work/school/dance life is difficult for me), I get up with the sunrise, and I make time for me, oh, and sleep, that's the really important one. I have high hopes for this spring, and I will take it all one day at a time. Practicing mindfulness. Doing what matters to me. Dancing, like really dancing and moving in my classes! I have connections with music and film students for projects that are for me, for fun, and just cuz. I'm grounding myself, and I'm sticking to it no matter how many people it pisses off.

Talk to you again in about four and a half months.

- M